Priorities: Work or People
An 80 year study done at Harvard showed that close relationships, more than any measure of success, kept people happy throughout their lives.
This extends even to physical well being. The study found that satisfaction in one’s relationships slowed cognitive decay and was a better indicator of one’s future health than their cholesterol levels. Yet, we find that the overwhelming majority of young people today focus their attention on success more than anything else. As a result, relationships have suffered. Today in places like the bay area, or anywhere else you have many smart young people—this is painfully obvious. Society encourages success and hard work. So, we focus on the hustle instead of our friends, if they even exist.
If our happiness comes from our relationships, then why don’t we give them the same kind of deliberate attention that we give our work? Most people have moments when they realize that relationships are the source of joy in life. Yet, there is something that prevents us from accepting that realization. We understand it, but we don’t manifest it. Even with these realizations we continue to deprioritize our friends.
I’m not speaking as a subject matter expert. In fact, I’m quite the opposite. I’m speaking from the perspective of someone who has struggled with friendships and loneliness for years. It has only been through the undeserved patience and care of people in my life that I started to seriously grapple with these questions.
I would generally categorize people into two different groups: passive friends and active friends (it’s more of a spectrum really, but let’s roll with it). Some people are active friends by nature. I’ve found that this is more common for girls than it is for guys (sorry dudes). However, the majority of the people I outlined above have been passive friends for most of their lives, like me.
It’s difficult to have healthy relationships when you’re passive. There must be equality, one side cannot be more invested than the other, it’s not sustainable. If you contribute to the friendship in reaction to the other person, that is passive. To do this all the time is to be a passive friend. To fix this we must become active. I do not mean “active” in the physical sense. To be active is to contribute without requiring stimulus from the other party. Active friends show initiative, and passive friends aren’t really friends.
I’ve thought about this subject extensively, but it is still ongoing. My actual habits are always one step behind my present philosophy, so I am still in the process of applying these ideas in my life. However, this is not to discount the joys it has brought thus far. Just by beginning this process I’ve brought new happiness into my life. So, I’ve outlined a bit of my experience below in hopes of making others as happy as it has made me.
Passive friends
This is how many of us start out, and I am no exception. Convenience drove most of my relationships. I was often a tag-along and felt like one. I received more than I gave for most of my life.
As I grew older I realized these relationships were not sustainable. My friends moved on and I began to feel incredibly lonely. This happened because I prioritize work over people. It became my excuse for not investing further in my friends.
After an unfortunately long period of time in this state, I began to realize my mistake with the help of those who were kind enough to stick with me. I worked hard because I thought that’s what made people successful. Today we’ve fallen into this hustle culture, where people equate productivity with success. The more you work, the better you’re doing in life, and the more people applaud you. The effect spreads like a virus. When you compare yourself to others who are always hustling, you feel the need to do so yourself, otherwise people won’t value your life as much. Eventually, work became all I did. When I wasn’t working, I was anxious and thinking about it. This doesn’t make for very engaging interactions with your friends.
How do people justify this hard work? Many, including myself, try to convince themselves that it’s because they enjoy it. However, that is not entirely true. Even if we don’t admit it, in the back of our minds is always the idea of being free to live and have fun after we are successful. The problem with not admitting such ideas to ourselves is that we aren’t forced to confront their flaws. And flawed is it indeed. As Thoreau had put it:
“This spending of the best part of one’s life earning money in order to enjoy a questionable liberty during the least valuable part of it reminds me of the Englishman who went to India to make a fortune first, in order that he might return to England and live the life of a poet. He should have gone up garret at once.”
Thoreau spoke in terms of money, but I was seeking a different label of success. I was attempting to reach a certain status, to build or make something that people would respect. I don’t think this is a bad goal to have, and I still wish to achieve it one day, but I had mistakenly believed that it would make me happy.
It’s not work that makes me happy, it’s my friends and family. I had known that, but I wasn’t confident enough in myself to compromise. I needed the convincing of others before I was willing to accept I had been going about life the wrong way. The ideas were all there, I just needed someone to bring it out of me. Fortunately, I had people in my life that cared enough to help me do that. For you, I’m hoping this essay will serve the same purpose.
Ultimately I am trying to optimize for happiness, both in myself and others. Before, I thought work would make me happy. Now, I’ve accepted that my relationships are what add joy to my life. So, what’s my strategy moving forward? Well, I looked at the way I approached my work and realized I should approach my relationships in the same way. In other words, I realized I should give my friendships the same deliberate attention that I gave my work. The idea is simple, but at the time I found it incredibly profound. If anything, it goes to show how self-centered my view of the world was.
It’s a good idea, but we’re not out of the woods yet. Just as it takes years of hard work to build up the skills for a successful career, it takes years of hard work to learn how to be a good friend. I am not the master, but rather an enthusiastic student. As such, I am not in a position to teach you how to be a good friend. Find someone in your life who is a good friend, that is the best way to learn. Below I’ve outlined what the best teachers in my life have looked like.
Active Friends
The greatest friends I’ve had in my life are active ones. Active friends are invested in their relationships. They seek out opportunities to engage people. This means taking charge, making plans, even if it is uncomfortable at first. They make me feel wanted and welcomed, as if I’m their most trusted friend. Active friends are sincere. I feel comfortable telling them anything. If I mess up, they’ll let me know instead of waiting around for me to mess up again.
Yet, above all these qualities, active friends are selfless. This is what allows them to invest so much in other people. Friends are a priority in their lives. It works because the best way to keep a friend is to make them happy, and the best way to make them happy is to have a genuine desire to make them so. Now, I do not mean that you should neglect yourself. Your own well-being comes first. Thankfully, we live in a world where we can usually have both, it’s just a matter of prioritizing.
As I said before, the best way to learn to become a good friend is to model one in your own life. I look at what my good friends do and compare it to what I do. I’m not saying you should copy them exactly. But, simply observing the thought process of a good friend can cause you to look at your own relationships differently. For instance, I have a close friend who once told me that she gauges her self worth by the value she adds to other people’s lives. I’m not saying that this is how I want to value my own life, but it makes me think twice before I choose to neglect my friends for work.
Your Friends
Sometimes, we aren’t fortunate enough to have a good friend close by. In fact, I find myself in that state right now. They’re there, just not here. When this happens, I try my best to just be selfless and treat others with kindness. As I said earlier, my actions are usually one step behind my philosophy, so I fail often in this regard. But, with persistence and determination, I know I will be able to change those habits for the better.
As with anything in life, friendship is a learning process. Some have more to learn than others. I fall into the former category. However, don’t let that discourage you. Even if you are a shit friend like me, you can still add some value to people’s lives, and appreciate the friends you have. The road to good friendship is long and there are bound to be mistakes along the way. It requires a delicate reworking of your approach to life. Yet, of all the aspirations people have these days, this is one that’s worth the hard work.